As all of you might not remember, the begginning of our adventure started with failure. Failure to get a paid position aboard some sailing vessel of any kind. Fortunately, we found a shipyard and work on wooden ships, so that was close enough for us. But suddenly, in the middle of our stay at the shipyard in Småland, we received the visit of a ghost. We had an offer to work in Ibiza, of all places, on some wooden brigantine that takes school kids out for day-sails. Pretty straightforward. It’s Catalan/Spanish country there, so all we have to do is sail the boat and play in the rig and maintenance and that’s it. The kids are taken care of by a Catalan/Spanish speaking guide.
Perfect. Easy. Simple.
Or so we thought.
On many of ours and individual adventures, we have met up with some cool people. We have had extraordinary opportunities and taken advantage of every one of them. We have sacrificed money-making schemes for interesting schemes. Experience, travelling and learning over steady paid job... It has, in the past, always paid off. We’ve met entertaining people, made some connections for future possibilities, learn random and rare skills, obtain impossible experiences while having a blast the whole time. But today, right now, is where we have finally hit a bump in our magical bus ride.
Don’t worry honey, it’s still all that you say - experience, travelling, meet interesting people, make connections for future.... . it’s all right! (So says Carl)
But although the ship and especially the owners of this place are horrible, we have met two really cool people. And so, in that way the trip was worth making. We are losing money coming here, since these people are just a bunch of bastard that won’t even pay for our food, but I guess that is the price to pay sometimes. Sometimes adventures aren’t always fun, sometimes you get screwed. Sometimes you take a risk and it pays off. And it mostly always has. This time, we were totally screwed, unfortunately. These people have lied to us so many times that it can’t be counted on the fingers of both my hands. They have lured us here under false conditions and facts. I will never forget this or the now marred image I have of Eivissa. (Ibiza) This boat is rotten and rusted to a point that it is only a matter of months before it sinks at the dock. I’ve never seen anything like it, that is still floating. Museums wrecks are in better condition. There is no permanent crew or Captain, just the ones that pop up for a sail, which have been now, one day a week, since the owners constantly cancel them. The reasons for these cancellations changes from person to person when they explain it to us. The owners are apparently the only continuing link every season and they do think highly of there experience in sailing... But here I must mention that they had an other boat, the Tho Pa Ga, but it sank a year ago...
More importantly is that these people are from the original hippies of Eivissa. See Eivissa was a tranquil little Spanish/ Catalan island in the middle of the Mediterranean sea. It was the best kept secret of Europe. Then some hippies in the 60’s discovered it and started flocking to it. And as more Hippies came to it, it got more attention everywhere else. Then it wasn’t about flower power anymore but money power. The rich and famous came to play here and the island began to be a party paradise, where anything, but I mean anything, is permitted during the summer. Anything goes, literally, whatever you want, any drugs whatsoever, you can have in 5 minutes. Even police join in and don’t care. There is a saying here that during summer, if there is not a death during the weekend, by fights, overdose or drunken car accidents, then it hasn’t been a weekend in Eivissa! And then, strangely enough, the winter comes and the island quiets down again and people get back to their regular lives. The locals show their faces and live as if nothing happened. And the cycle continues...
Now, Gérard and Nicole, the owners, are from the first generation of hippies flocking here. Unfortunately, they still live in the past. Gérard is 65 or 70 and used to be an old sailor, but there we are unsure of the credibility of this past. He also has giant grey-white eyebrows that are about to swallow his face, thus the nickname Jerry Eyebrow. Nicole, on the other hand, is 50 and I am sorry to say this but has to be the worst case of menopause in the history of women! She also thinks she’s some kind of pirate and wears Jack Sparrow style boots and crazy clothes, thus the Porn-star name of Nicky Boots. Now these two characters, run the ship Cala Millor. They managed it so that nobody stays there more than a month, but one exception, Igor. This Russian- illegal immigrant to Spain only stays here because they owe him money. He’s also a monster of a guy and used to be a policeman in Russia... I’m sure you get the picture right? Nothing reads Russian mafia like this guy! He also drinks like half a bottle of whiskey and several beers, all during lunch time! Now, there is also Tony the captain, who really must of found his licence in a cracker jack box since his knowledge of docking implies crashing the boat into the dock every time. He also fell in the water last sail and started to panic... (Inspiring captain, non?)
There is also Javier, nicknamed latin-lover, because that is what he impersonates. Always smiling, like a bloody Ken doll... And he’s always leaping into action, but really leaping into action, as if every acts he does, is somewhat heroic! And this cast of characters is what sails this boat, more or less. I say more or less, because if it’s too cold, the sail is cancelled. Too windy, cancelled, I don’t know it’s maybe going to be cold, cancelled. Maybe in three days it’s going to be windy, cancelled. Too much sun, cancelled....
And so, here we are, amidst this grand theatre. We were in pourparler with this ship in last November. Before I left for Sweden, we exchanged numbers and e-mails, documents and job offer. When I got to Sweden, the correspondence suddenly became cold and they would not answer our phone calls or e-mails. Then, last month we received an e-mail with an offer. We did not think much of this delay at the time, since many a ship has a disorganized office and many tallship have breakdowns of the office, while the boat keeps on sailing.... That is not uncommon.... We get there with the promise of sailing five days a week, weekends off, and maybe paid STCW’s for Carl... We arrive here and are told that they would like us to inspect their square sails, since we are experts in that and they haven’t been used in awhile. Inspect sails and rigging and replace what is needed. O.k. That is cool, that’s a fun project, even if they forgot to mention the state of their square sails to us... We go for one sail on the day we arrive and it starts to smell funny. This whole place seems a little queer and surreal... But that’s a Friday and we have the weekend off and the other crew member, Oriole, is one cool dude from Majorca, who likes to windsurf and usually does sailing regattas and sailing yacht deliveries... So we spend one fun weekend with the guy, all the while having this funny feeling. The owners seem a little strange, the ship, the more we look at it the less we like what we see... And then comes a week of working here. Sails cancelled, every single day. Then the arrival of the fourth live-aboard crew, the French engineer Antoine. At least this core group of four sailors all agree, this is the worst place on earth and we must flee before we become too crazy. The engine room is a total disaster, you can clearly see there has been two fires in there before, the ceiling beams, which are in the middle of being scraped clean of paint, are clearly all mostly rotten. Everytime somebody walks on deck, some piece of the engine room ceiling falls on Antoine. The rig, which is now our department, is completely rusted and the yards are rotten through, we are not even stepping foot on them. The standing rigging, which stays and maintains the masts in place, are completely slack. The bowsprit wiggles from side to side with a little coaxing (The mast that is sticking out the front the ship). The Fore deck is going to cave in at any moment because it is totally rotten and it’s support beams are broken off... The deck is as soft as mud at certain places, the dead-eyes are broken and only holding into place because of the line through them, most metal, including chains, wire rope, eye-bolts, are rusted by more than half of their width... For those of you who only have a vague idea of ships, it’s quite easy. For a seamen, one look and you know. For a landman, a few minutes of looking around and even you are pondering how come this thing is still floating. Everything is just waiting for a big stress, a big wind or a big wave to break. Basically. And the mechanic keeps finding leaks that would sink us in 6 to 8 hours if none of the pumps would work...
It’s rather a dire situation and it gets only better from here. Because you see, Jerry Eyebrow and Nicky Boots are still living in the past, in LalaLand, in the Eivissa (Ibiza) of the sixties... Everything is normal, it’s just superficial rot. Let’s paint over it and everything will be ok. Let’s repair the lifejackets. But that’s illegal! Oh no, not here, it’s Spain, it’s Ibiza, it’s OK!
How about that slack standing rigging, what if we tighten it? Oh no no.... I like slack rigging because you know, wooden ships need to breath, they need to work a little bit so you want everything slack...
Every single day, something even stupider comes out if these people’s mouth and makes you wonder how they could have 2, 42-meters brigantines for so long and make them work? Make money with it and have a viable organization. Oh wait a minute... One of them sank and this one will, pretty soon and they have no money.... Ah ok... Yet still...How do they pass inspection every year? This is Evissa, Spain, but it’s still in the European Union, it must meet SOLAS requirements... The only option they have friends in high places and some well placed bribes also help.... We then learned that the inspector is an old friend of Jerry Eyebrow...
And Nicky Boots.... Thank god they like me, I made a good impression or something, but she is the son of the Devil! I’m no religious person, but if he does exist, she’s definitely a spawn of him! Completely ignores the: that’s illegal! remark and wants you to fix, or should I say tamper, with lifesaving equipment.... Thinks rot is superficial and should be ignored and painted over and that fixes everything. And as far as rust is concerned, it doesn’t exist, it’s a figment of your imagination. Even if you show her, that this piece is falling off, this piece of wood I can dig in it with my fingers or this metal piece is needle-thin, it’s not normal, which is her usual answer for everything and then passes on to something else... Oh, can you fix this line of the gangway? Of course, I can... Your ship is falling apart and will sink anytime soon now, but yes, of course I can fix this little stupid thing! Aaaaargh!!!!
And so, day after day, we are given proof that the pit of human stupidity is limitless... You think you’ve hit rock-bottom, that there is no more that these people can say or do that will surprise you. But alas, the diversity of human nature has bested me again, and we are blessed with the theatre of yet another jaw-dropping moment of unintelligence, even more acute than the previous day. And now I must put in a passage from the dictionary of this writing program I am now using. I was looking up synonyms for stupid, since I figure I’ve been using it too much with the description of Nicky Boots and Jerry Eyebrow and this is what I find. I mean, being upset is no reason to start to lower your writing skills! But what a gem!
THE RIGHT WORD
If you want to impugn someone's intelligence, the options are almost limitless.
You can call the person stupid, a term that implies a sluggish, slow-witted lack of intelligence.
Asinine is a harsher word, implying asslike or foolish behavior rather than slow-wittedness (: a woman her age looked asinine in a miniskirt).
Calling someone dumb is risky, because it is not only an informal word (: you dumb bunny!), but because it also means mute and is associated with the offensive expression “deaf and dumb,” used to describe people who cannot hear or speak.
Dense implies an inability to understand even simple facts or instructions (: too dense to get the joke), while dull suggests a sluggishness of mind unrelieved by any hint of quickness, brightness, or liveliness (: a dull stare).
Slow also implies a lack of quickness in comprehension or reaction and is often used as a euphemistic substitute for stupid (: he was a little slow intellectually).
Obtuse is a more formal word for slow-wittedness, but with a strong undercurrent of scorn (: it almost seemed as though he were being deliberately obtuse).
You can't go wrong with a word like unintelligent, which is probably the most objective term for low mental ability and the least likely to provoke an angry response (: unintelligent answers to the teacher's questions).’’
So from now on I’m going to have to use Obtuse, because I definitely feel some scorn towards these people! Although I kind of like dense as well, yet it doesn’t feel as powerful as obtuse... And then there is Asinine, which I am most pleased with the asslike implication...What a place, when my dilemma here is not knowing which words in between obtuse, asinine and dense to use to describe the owners! What a place! OUF! Fucking Eh! As would say my Prince Edward’s Island friends!!!
Wow! What else can I say? The pay I will get is only paying our travelling expenses, but if I could I’d be out of here now... I have never felt like this before, where you can’t stand a place like this.... Thank god for Oriole and Antoine! Antoine is a very entertaining Frenchman I must say, but a month of him would be too much... Oriole is probably the only sane person we have met here, yet he is slowly going bonkers, just like me and Carl... Only one week, eh, one bloody week left! That’s a very good thing, very good... I can feel my mind unravelling already....
On an after note, We are awaiting news from Oriole, who was the only remaining live-aboard crew after we left. Antoine, after saving the boat from two sinkings and one fire, was deemed a black cat by the owners and asked to leave... He left the same day we did. And so, on the last day in Eivissa, where we spent it roaming around the old town and fortress while the ship day-sailed, we came back to say our farewells to Oriole and guessed what news he had for us? You know that bottomless pit? well it just got even more deep! While Jerry Eyebrow was driving the boat to anchor it in a little sheltered bay, he ran aground!!! Ha haha!!! His response to the event? ‘I‘ve been sailing here for 30 years with the Tho Pa Ga and we neevr ran aground. I don‘t know where those rocks come from.’
Yes Jerry, it’s the new Spanish economic revival plan, start growing rocks to trap ships and then plunder them... How daft can you be, really?
But stay tuned for more anecdotes, next week, same channel, same time, live from the bottomless pit of human stupidity!
